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We watch the Onion News, America’s Finest News Source, with Dana Dobbs, Senior Correspondent Kip Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer. In addition to watching the news, we see the program’s commercials, some commentary on the film as it proceeds, and we watch some terrorists in training. Behind the scenes, Onion News’s corporate owner, Global Tetrahedron, seeks synergy by promoting its other products within Norm’s news broadcast. Norm doesn’t like it, especially when a toy penguin (think Energizer Bunny) waddles across his desk promoting a Global Tetrahedron film starring Steven Seagal. But Norm may end up needing Steven’s help.

Five college friends choose to spend their vacation debauching at the riverside. They find the perfect place to camp out, but end up crossing paths with twin brothers, both played by Crispin Glover. Glover then begins to knock off the campers in some extremely creative (and extremely gruesome) ways. Enjoy the splatter.

Ryan (Greg Cipes) is a lion who wants to go to the wild, where his dad (Samson, voiced by Keifer Sutherland) once lived. When he gets himself shipped to Africa, his zoo friends (and Samson) work together to bring him back. When they get to Africa, however, the animals find themselves in a pile of danger. They have to fight an evil wildebeest called Kazar (William Shatner). But Kazar’s safe compared to the other danger on the island- a volcano that’s on the edge of eruption. Can the animals find Ryan and get out of Africa before the volcano erupts in so little time?