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Screenwriter Hudson Milbank suffers from acute depersonalization disorder. So alienated from his own life that he makes the chronically depressed look perky, Hudson lives alone, watches The Golf Channel all day, can’t hang on to a relationship, shoplifts in order to get his adrenalin up off the floor, fears that thinking about his dad’s death will bring it to pass, loathes his mother, and in general, is as nutty as a crapshack in a peanut farm. Obsessed with the underlying sadness that infuses his wretched existence, Hudson is a man in hell, but he thinks that his long catalogue of dismally unsatisfying and mutually self-destructive relationships is over when SARA stumbles into his life. He knows she can save him. She knows he has to save himself. Together they save each other. And it’s funny too.

Thanks to falsified dental records supplied by his former neighbor Nicholas Oz Oseransky, retired hitman Jimmy The Tulip Tudeski now spends his days compulsively cleaning his house and perfecting his culinary skills with his wife, Jill, a purported assassin who has yet to pull off a clean hit. Suddenly, an uninvited and unwelcome connection to their past unexpectedly shows up on Jimmy and Jill’s doorstep: it’s Oz, and he’s begging them to help him rescue his wife from the Hungarian mob. To complicate matters even further, the men, who are out to get Oz, are led by Lazlo Gogolak, a childhood rival of Jimmy’s and another notorious hitman. Oz, Jimmy and Jill will have to go the whole nine yards—and then some—to manage the mounting Mafioso mayhem.

Oz is a Montréal dentist, paying off debts so he can divorce his wife: the dislike is mutual. When she learns their new neighbor is hit man Jimmy the Tulip, with a price on his head, she sends Oz to Chicago to earn a finder’s fee telling Mob boss Yanni where to find Jimmy. To get his wife off his back, Oz goes, his assistant Jill urging him to get laid while there. One of Yanni’s men awaits Oz at the hotel; Oz’s now in too deep to avoid telling Yanni what he knows. Meanwhile, Oz’s wife rats on Oz to Jimmy, hoping Jimmy will kill Oz and she can cash in on life insurance. Oz meets Jimmy’s wife (Yanni’s captive), flips for her, and the double-crosses mount. Even Jill isn’t whom she seems.

When Sara (Elizabeth Hurley) is served divorce papers while she is in New York, she is stunned. Not about to lose the fortune she amassed with her self-serving Texas husband, she makes an offer to her process server, Joe (Matthew Perry) that sets them off on a wild trip across the country.

A rich businessman, Dylan McDermott, mistakenly believes that Matthew Perry, who is bidding on a $90 million restoration contract, is gay and asks him to keep tabs on his mistress, Neve Campbell. Perry, who is not gay, falls for Neve in a big way but she thinks he’s gay.